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Nov
21

The Money Pit

The Latest Project I’ll Never Complete: Assisting Bruins play-by-play man Jack Edwards in his transition into full-on parody by offering up a full list name-specific celebrations to go with “A Johnny Rocket!” for Johnny Boychuk, “Isn’t that Rich?!” for Rich Peverley and “Two U’s, two K’s, two points!” for Tuukka Rask. Reasons for failure will basically be limited to becoming too embarrassed by the list before I can actually complete it.

Understand that I love Jack, both as a guy and as an announcer. His passion is beautiful. I’ve long advocated NESN, which will devote a show to basically anything, needs to start broadcasting the audio feed of Jack watching national games from his couch. These, though … these bring about the bad cringe.

John Sterling is fun in a sideshow sort of way. Although, the fact that his list draws heavily from Broadway shows that the majority of his audience has never seen gives me an almost limitless pool to draw from for Jack.

Stupid Thing People Are Apparently Worrying About: That attending Penn State will cause them to not get a job.

“Our clients are shying away from applying to PSU,” says Craig Meister, president of Tactical College Consulting, a college admissions consultancy firm. “Parents and students I work with are concerned about getting a job with a PSU diploma — with images of Joe Paterno and the rioting in mind. In a tough job market, Penn State is no longer a safe bet.”

You know, because often times employee decisions are made based on the quality of the football program at the applicant’s alma mater. It’s a wonder I got a job at all!

— And really, while I’m here, am I the only one who thinks something called “Tactical College Consulting” seems like a ridiculous waste of money? Let us help you inflate your resume, high schoolers! And this entire paragraph for current college students makes me want to punch a wall:

“Whether applying to graduate school, professional school, or a new position, Tactical College Consulting works with applicants to increase their marketability, and therefore, their chances of being accepted or hired. We help each applicant create a dynamic personal brand that effectively communicates the value-added the applicant will bring to a university or organization. Once clarified, the applicant’s distinctive personal brand is meticulously developed and constantly reinforced through a strong resume, eloquent essays and personal statements, and a convincing cover letter, each specifically created for the audience targeted.”

Marketing! Dynamic branding! It’s all a system to be gamed, people, even though the streets are currently filled with students who went to high-price universities and still can’t get a job. (At least the letters about their college debt offer fuel for the campfire.)

OK, I’m limiting myself to one testimonial:

“I was so tired of nagging my daughter, Michelle, to work on her college applications and finalize her list when I learned about Tacitical College consulting from a friend. Hiring Craig Meister to assist Michelle during her Senior year saved our relationship and resulted in her admission to her top choice school – Northwestern University!”

Damn. I wish I hadn’t already wasted my wall punch.

I’m sure this company does a lovely job at what it does. I’m just as sure the fees they’re paid for services rendered are much better spent elsewhere. Like, say, on the inflated tuition for your listless brat who’s tromping around Chicago majoring in “undecided,” and who’d probably have been just as well off if they’d spent a couple years at community college figuring out you can’t act like a high schooler forever.

Free advice to my future child: You’re going to wherever gives you the most money, just like your daddy did, so feel free to earn yourself some financial aid. He had almost no marketable skills, and he spun that into almost a decade* in the work force!

* — Possibly more by the time the intended audience sees this, but I’m not counting those chickens before they hatch, so to speak.